Dwa Tao Life

You know, how sometimes when something really bad and irreversible happened, how you wish you can wake up and realise it was just a bad bad dream? Today, I am grateful, and greatly appreciate that I was granted the chance to experience that.

People know me well knows I dream alot. And my dreams ranges from blockbuster movies to snapshots of other people’s lives to melodrama. Usually, they are very vivid and most accompanied with frustation. That’s basically almost the only emotion I’ve felt in my dreams: frustration.

The weather was cozy today, and I decided to just be lazy and sleep in. I slipped into unconscious state without knowing. It’s almost impossible to know. Because the dream is so vivid, I can smell, I see details, I think logically, I feel hurt and…I was doing my daily routine…washing dishes.

I can see details of a person’s house home decor. I wasn’t a spectator, I see it through my eyes, as if in waking state. The pebbles that were glued artistically onto a wall to form very nice words. And, god knows why I started washing dishes there as well. I wasn’t that close with that friend. Anyhow, some other miscellaneous interesting encounters happened along the way before the big bang came.

I was made to realise something in the dream, and I decided to find out the answer. But the person who know the truth just kept evading the topic, and avoided answering my questions. Frustration built on, but as the “day goes by” with other tiny activities interrupted, I still remember to question him again. And I tried many other ways…logical ways to get the answer. See, dreams are supposed to be bizarre. How can someone THINK LOGICALLY and uses the strategies he/she used in waking state?? This is so..erm ..bizarre..

As I managed to get small details out one by one through interrogations, I actually “uncovered” certain things within the dreams, with much horror, and started to “speculate” in my dreams and form my own theory. And when I realise with much thinking what could be the truth,the pain and horror struck.

Other than the one dream two years back, when I experienced the feeling of betrayal in one of my dreams, I seldom dreamt of emotions so strong. I was hurting, in pain, afraid, very upset upon realisation. I moved to another location to be alone. I was in a ship, where I see pails of mussels and some fishing equipment. I smell the fishy smell and I can see the details of the shells of the mussels, where they sparkled in the light.

I was in so much pain that I know I needed an outlet. The tear in the heart was growing unbearable. I wanted to cry but the tears just won’t came. It’s worse than crying. Something got stifled down at the chest, and you feel that you are going to explode with pain. If Freud is right about his suppresion theory,then my waking defense mechanism must be very strong. I always know my mind can defend myself from the painful emotions that I feel during the day by shelving them aside to god knows where. Sigmund Freud suggested that people dream to let out of the suppresion they experienced in the day. With the amount of pain I experienced today in the dream, I think, my day defense mechanism is an award-winning one.

At one point of the dream, I stifled a weep, but failed because i felt that my nose is itchy. And I slowly gained my consciousness through the itch of the nose.

Going back to what I had said in the beginning of the passage, I woke up, not knowing it was a dream. I feel bad, really bad and was thinking how can that has happened? Then I started to think, maybe, it was just a dream. Just like how everyone wished and hoped when something bad happened. And it took myself sometime, to really convince myself, that it really was a dream. Because what had happened in the dream is as real as what I had experienced in waking state: the five senses working, the painful emotions, the logical thinking and speculation and the quick brainstorm for strategies to interrogate. Whichever dream theorists who has suggested dreams are bizarre, he/she should really use me as a specimen.
I guess I have learnt something from the “dream” today. That I am not as cold and emotionless as I thought I was (the emotions were overwhelming). That, all the dream theories I had learned so far..are bull shit. That, I think, I was born to wash dishes.
and…don’t be lazy. Don’t sleep in.