Dwa Tao Life

步步被迫前走
我不怯不屈
次次奪我基本需
我仍屹仍立
如今威脅我最親
斷我膝﹐ 奪我目, 掏我心
摸不著前方
踏不到後石
我認命﹐ 認了命
該來的﹐ 罷﹗
要來的﹐ 也罷﹗

懸著涯前
不經意感慨
若這裡是終點
或許是人生中最大的奢侈

認命.

Finally, this site is back up. :) Well, in a nutshell, since I’ve lost the motivation to document the things i meant to write sometime back when this site is down…I’ve gone for interviews and found a job. Hmm, but currently this environment is rather challenging…i wonder if I can survive…But i am pretty sure…if I con’t to blog like this during office hours, I bet I will be certified dead soon…haha..so signing off~~~

I spent years building

With tears and perspiration

Reminding myself every now and then to be extremely patient

You spent years lamenting

With unnecessary anxiety and excess mistrust

And demolished what I’ve built and built with one swipe

Just because you are worried there will be an earthquake in future.

Thanks, Mum.

I had finally finished my last paper (I hope it is really the last) sometime last week. After about five years of working and studying, not working and studying, working but not studying phases, I am finally approaching the last phase.

Today, I feel exceptionally hopeful and optimistic while I was flipping the papers for recruitment postings. It seemed like, I can do anything and everything! And there are so many postings that I would SIMPLY LOVE TO TRY, and no longer am I restricted by the academic qualifications or no. of working experiences. Although times are bad, and will get worse to the worst, I am eccentrically excited about my future now.

So many people wiser than I am had told me not to reject the most recent job offer. So many of them had told me I should not have taken up the degree studies with such a tight financial status. So many of them had told me I should have taken the JC-Uni direct path. What they have predicted came true. The path was tough, long, and almost unbearable. But if you ask me now, I have no regrets. I’d learned alot by walking this deviating path. I’d found help, love and support along the way, so yeah, the Chinese saying is correct. Loosely translated: The heavens will not ignore those who fought hard. English: If there’s a will, there’s a way. I’ve survived.

And on top of that, I feel good. I feel good that I finally have time to accompany my beloved friend to travel for dinner and to just drive around to test which is the shortest route to her brother’s place, without worrying about my assignments. I feel good that I can now spend 3 hours giving my dog a quality grooming session and making him oh-so-comfy. I feel good I can just sit in the living hall and accompany my dad to watch TV shows. I feel good that I can have time to chat a little more with my mum on unimportant issues instead of just the “necessary statements”. And I feel good that I can read almost every pages of the newspapers I bought everyday. So these are the little things that I had compromised all these years. I really appreciate them now, so very much. Hence I have no regrets. If I had never lost these perks, I will never appreciate these little things in my life as much as now.

Conveniently, I think I had skipped the bulk of quarter-life crisis with my preoccupied mind. I had no time to feel demoralised about Life, no time to think if I should reconsider my career path, and no time to worry about when should I get hitched. When time is tight, you only worried about the immediate essential and critical things. And actually, I found out, that’s already alot to be placed on someone’s plate. Hence, seriously, those other worries become so irrelevant and unimportant. I’d learned how to focus. Valuable and priceless lesson ^^.

However, I still can’t help but wonder where my optimism and hopefulness emerge from? My exams results are not out yet, and so far, the chances of passing are shaky for a couple of subjects. I had yet to find a job or even attend a job interview. But still, I feel hopeful. This is so rare =). Maybe because I am happy that I’ve finally learned how to communicate with my mum better (and she don’t seem to dislike me that much now). And maybe because I am so happy that my brother has found someone who can share the same..er…somewhat erratic lifestyle as he has. Maybe because I had found someone who can understand and support my weird character, selfish lifestyle and eccentric thinking (and my flabby tummy -.-). Or maybe, I am just experiencing the after-five-years-of-exams-euphoria. Anyhow, I love the feeling I am enjoying now =).

Well, if things don’t work well for me, I guess I will still be grateful. At least, there’s this ONE POINT of time in my life, that I really feel hopeful. And I really feel that..everything seems possible…The five-years-struggle is worth it.

I am so proud of my dad! Seriously, he is still the best problem solver man I’ve ever known even though he has lost his “power” when he was more influential as a boss.

He has found a way to accept and adapt after his business failure due to the Asia Financial Crisis. It was a hard fall, and nobody can help him out of the mess. “Friends” who clung to him before just disappeared. “Good partners” who promised to return the company the debt also just ignored their benefactor’s plight. But my dad, the power man, just spent many many, really a lot of sleepless nights and sort his thinking through. (We didnt really help much then, I am ashamed to say)

Now on Monday, I was told he actually took a bus from Johor Bahru back to Singapore!!! It was already a headline-worthy news in my family if my dad took any public transport other than taxis, but he took a bus! And from Johor Bahru!!!

And, yesterday, while I was trying to do my assignment, I just realised my Wearnie Lappie’s charger refused to charge! There was a problem with the cable and I actually saw sparks when I forced the connection to work *Sweat*. Anyway, I seek help from the Power Man, coz since young, I know he can FIX EVERYTHING!.But, then, I have to admit, IT stuff is out of his league. He took a look at the charger and told me he has to dismantle it in order to change the cable and he didnt think it was a good idea to take the risk. And the very next moment, he got changed within 5 minutes, rushed down to Sim Lim, and got me a replacement charger (but not the same voltage and brand). I was so happy. I had been using my Wearnie ever since I started my Uni programme and I really can’t write anything without it. =D

My dad had not given up though. He dismantled my old charger, and fixed it! I’ve attached the pix. And now, it works!!! How can anyone, anyone at all, measure up to him? What a Dad ;)

I always know that doing good things without announcing it to the entire world is always disadvantageous to the do-er.I learnt this from my Dad. He is a very thoughtful guy, think of things in advance for other people, but often being misunderstood because he don’t speak of his doings. He often helped people out in the dark, carried all the blame, and often suffered injustice in silence.
Not even my mother, who is married to him over thirty years, understood him. But somehow, I did. I strongly believe he always do things for a reason, and the reason is always for the benefit of others and not his. I did not ask. He did not explain. I just understood because I believe in his selflessness and what I have observed always supported my theory. Maybe that’s how I obtain my covert observation skills.

I just have to follow his path. And,learnt for myself this is really difficult. People usually just think of themselves, think of their sufferings, the unhappiness they have encountered and whined. I wonder why they can’t step aside and see that, someone, perhaps, have sacrificed their own happiness to help reduced their sufferings. Maybe, they didnt trust anyone who would place others before them just like I trusted my dad. But, I still don’t believe in broadcasting the good deeds one have done. Because these are done genuinely for the people I cared for, and I loved, not because I want people to know that I cared for them.

I guess, I just have to hope for someone who can trust me just like how I believed in my dad. Because, I would rather accept injustice, than to speak of it. I always thought I found one, but everytime, I was wrong. But I am glad my father found me. Coz the loneliness,is sometimes, abit too much to bear.

I remembered when I started working after I graduated, I had some problems with my boss then. I got reprimanded for making mistakes, but thing is, I was green then. So I only know they were mistakes until I got reprimanded. Well, I guess everyone started out like that. But I still remember what Uncle Guni told me. He said it is ok to make mistake, but if you make the same mistake the second or third time, then it is not tolerable. It seemed like commonsense, but at that time, his words were engraved in my mind and I had made an effort to remind myself whenever I can.I guessed because I reminded myself too much of that caution notice, it somehow integrated into how I socialise with other people. I always try to overlook the mistake the first time, give chance the second time and try to forgive the third time. But, if one made the same mistake so many times, I will only think that either 1) You are too stupid to learn, 2) You just want to irritate me or third, the most likely one, that you were never sincere in your apologies and you can’t be bothered much.

I can tolerate stupidity if I sense sincerity. However, if one is insincere, it will be my OWN STUPIDITY if I continued to ignore with grace.

You know, how sometimes when something really bad and irreversible happened, how you wish you can wake up and realise it was just a bad bad dream? Today, I am grateful, and greatly appreciate that I was granted the chance to experience that.

People know me well knows I dream alot. And my dreams ranges from blockbuster movies to snapshots of other people’s lives to melodrama. Usually, they are very vivid and most accompanied with frustation. That’s basically almost the only emotion I’ve felt in my dreams: frustration.

The weather was cozy today, and I decided to just be lazy and sleep in. I slipped into unconscious state without knowing. It’s almost impossible to know. Because the dream is so vivid, I can smell, I see details, I think logically, I feel hurt and…I was doing my daily routine…washing dishes.

I can see details of a person’s house home decor. I wasn’t a spectator, I see it through my eyes, as if in waking state. The pebbles that were glued artistically onto a wall to form very nice words. And, god knows why I started washing dishes there as well. I wasn’t that close with that friend. Anyhow, some other miscellaneous interesting encounters happened along the way before the big bang came.

I was made to realise something in the dream, and I decided to find out the answer. But the person who know the truth just kept evading the topic, and avoided answering my questions. Frustration built on, but as the “day goes by” with other tiny activities interrupted, I still remember to question him again. And I tried many other ways…logical ways to get the answer. See, dreams are supposed to be bizarre. How can someone THINK LOGICALLY and uses the strategies he/she used in waking state?? This is so..erm ..bizarre..

As I managed to get small details out one by one through interrogations, I actually “uncovered” certain things within the dreams, with much horror, and started to “speculate” in my dreams and form my own theory. And when I realise with much thinking what could be the truth,the pain and horror struck.

Other than the one dream two years back, when I experienced the feeling of betrayal in one of my dreams, I seldom dreamt of emotions so strong. I was hurting, in pain, afraid, very upset upon realisation. I moved to another location to be alone. I was in a ship, where I see pails of mussels and some fishing equipment. I smell the fishy smell and I can see the details of the shells of the mussels, where they sparkled in the light.

I was in so much pain that I know I needed an outlet. The tear in the heart was growing unbearable. I wanted to cry but the tears just won’t came. It’s worse than crying. Something got stifled down at the chest, and you feel that you are going to explode with pain. If Freud is right about his suppresion theory,then my waking defense mechanism must be very strong. I always know my mind can defend myself from the painful emotions that I feel during the day by shelving them aside to god knows where. Sigmund Freud suggested that people dream to let out of the suppresion they experienced in the day. With the amount of pain I experienced today in the dream, I think, my day defense mechanism is an award-winning one.

At one point of the dream, I stifled a weep, but failed because i felt that my nose is itchy. And I slowly gained my consciousness through the itch of the nose.

Going back to what I had said in the beginning of the passage, I woke up, not knowing it was a dream. I feel bad, really bad and was thinking how can that has happened? Then I started to think, maybe, it was just a dream. Just like how everyone wished and hoped when something bad happened. And it took myself sometime, to really convince myself, that it really was a dream. Because what had happened in the dream is as real as what I had experienced in waking state: the five senses working, the painful emotions, the logical thinking and speculation and the quick brainstorm for strategies to interrogate. Whichever dream theorists who has suggested dreams are bizarre, he/she should really use me as a specimen.
I guess I have learnt something from the “dream” today. That I am not as cold and emotionless as I thought I was (the emotions were overwhelming). That, all the dream theories I had learned so far..are bull shit. That, I think, I was born to wash dishes.
and…don’t be lazy. Don’t sleep in.

This is my first “Fairytale Story”. In one of my psychology classes, our lecturer asked us to write our fairy tale story. :)

Hope you will like it.